Who Will Survive In Amurika? The Election and the Zombie Apocalypse

Who Will Survive In Amurika?

The Election and the Zombie Apocalypse


We’ve been shuffling towards the Zombie Apocalypse slowly but surely for quite some time. The recession won’t quit, people can’t find jobs, and the planet is hurdling towards overpopulation and global warming. In America, cities like Camden and Detroit are near ghost towns.

This is how the world ends – not with a bang but a whimper.

America sped up the process in 2000 when they elected George W. In 2006, Canada did its part by electing Stephen Harper, and stepped the game up in 2011 by giving him a majority. Unfortunately, America has slowed the process by electing Obama in 2008.

However, Obama has only delayed the inevitable. He ineffectually nibbles away while the central problems still persist. The people elected him because he pitched himself as the president who would end American hegemony and plutocracy. Yes We Can. Change. Hope.

Well, guess what? Obama’s meager regulations have, according to The Economist, made banking more difficult but not safer. The engineers of the economic collapse are still in charge and the economy has yet to rebound. Obama continues unmanned drone strikes on foreign countries, has failed to shut down Guantanamo Bay, and has stepped up surveillance of American citizens. Sure, he’s pleading for a paltry increase on income tax for the rich and has ushered in a Byzantine healthcare, but he’s pretty much a kinder, gentler George Bush.

Most tellingly, Obama has maintained the status quo of a Wall Street-run White House.

Timothy Geithner, former president of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York during the meltdown, is Treasury Secretary. Obama’s chief economic adviser is Larry Summers. As the Treasury Secretary under Clinton, Summers helped further deregulate financial markets and fought against regulating derivatives. In 1999, he endorsed the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act, which removed the separation between investment and commercial banks. Finally, Obama renominated Ben Bernake for a second term as chairman of the Federal Reserve, who was first appointed by Bush in 2006.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.


Mitt Romney, on the on the hand, he’s our man. Mittens is the guy who’s willing to throw the baby out with the bathwater – unless that baby is an unborn fetus, in which that baby ain’t going nowhere – and plunge America, and, consequently, the world with it, into a post-industrial waste land.

Food stamps? Medicare? Medicaid? Social Security? Who needs all that? We need that money for greater military funding.

Mittens’ great plan is to balance the budget by reducing taxes and spending 4% of the GDP on the military. That means spending on useless programs like social welfare are a luxury the military industrial complex cannot afford.

Besides, poor people are so gross, shuffling from one unionless job to another. The only thing the wretched 47% are good for is zombie fodder.

You see, if the markets are going to crash and society is going to crumble, we’re going to need survivors. Why not concentrate all the world’s capital into one elite 1% so they can acquire the necessary means to withstand the apocalypse.

Yes, that’s right, 30 room mansions, a fleet of Bentleys, private jets, and various condos on each continent filled with cocaine and escorts are necessary for survival.

What did you have in mind? Bomb shelters, fuel, ammunition, and food?

Pff, pleb.


Of course, you may be thinking, why not focus on opening up the avenues to capital, create a greater distribution of wealth to increase the size of the middle class, and regulate the financial industry to avoid reckless manipulations of the market? While we’re at it, why not increase taxation on carbon based fuel industries and increase subsidies to alternative energy sources? That way we can slow global warming, redistribute wealth, and undermine despots whose regimes rely on oil resources?

Surely, these measures would actually prevent the zombie apocalypse?

But here’s the thing – we don’t want to stop judgment day.

For two reasons.

Firstly, it would be totally awesome. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t want to experience the purifying purge of the cannibalistic onslaught. I’ve read Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. It’s a great book.

Secondly, working towards change is too hard. Western opulence is predicated on a social hierarchy. If we put an end to third world labor conditions, we wouldn’t be able to afford iPads and Nike high tops. The consumer culture may be untenable, but it’ll be nice while it last. Give me convenience or give me death.

Hell, maybe we can make it out before the party has to end and leave the cleaning up the next generation. The baby boomers did it, so why can’t we?




p.s. If you’re interested where I got much of my information, I took most of it from The Economist, October 6th-12th, 2012, and Inside Job, and Wikipedia. Also, the images are real pictures of Detroit, Michigan, and Camden, New Jersey.

~ by braddunne on November 4, 2012.

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